NaNo Is Over and I Have Some Thoughts

How has it already been two weeks since NaNo ended? Like, what just happened?! It was such an amazing month and I have so many thoughts, so I thought I might do a quick (okay, it's gonna be a long one) post all about it. Bear with me, as it'll probably get all rambly and won't make any sense at all.

~Pre-NaNo~

As most of y'all know, I had a lot of fear going into this year's NaNo. I outlined a lot of the reasons in my pre-NaNo word barf, but there were a lot of other things going on that I didn't mention there. 

Just before November rolled around, I had a complete mental breakdown that took over a week to recover from. I've not had something like that before. I've struggled with depression for a while now and I've had times where things are harder than usual, but I've never had it so bad where I literally could do nothing else but sit in my room and listen to music. 

Both my mind and my body shut down. I physically couldn't do anything. I couldn't think. I couldn't move. It took a lot for me to get out of bed in the morning and make it through the day. Even breathing was a chore.

I discussed it a little with my mom (if that's what you can call that sobbing mess) and wrote a lengthy rant/letter/email thing to Jules. Talking (okay, screaming) out my feelings to someone helped me sort through all of my emotions and figure out some of the root problems, which in turn helped me get a little better.

Both have, along with Evangeline, started to help me find things to heal and get better. I'm am so grateful to them for stepping in and caring for me. While I'm not 100% better yet (I'll get to that in a minute), it's been helpful to have people in my corner. 

Even with some amount of healing, the whole ordeal caused a lot of fear for me going into NaNo. Not only was I left exhausted from the emotional draining, I knew that if it happened again during November, I was done for. I couldn't afford to shut down again. I had already set a goal to write 3k words on my writing days, taking Saturdays and Sundays off and at this point, I was pretty sure it wasn't going to happen.

~During NaNo~

November 1 rolled around and I pulled up my doc to start writing. After lots of prayers, I started writing the first few hundred words. Those hundreds turned into thousands. It felt almost effortless. Sure, it was almost entirely dialogue and very little description. But I felt like there weren't any barriers. It felt like the story I was supposed to write. 

At first I thought it was a fluke. Surely it was just a typical NaNo start, where the adrenaline starts creating words out of thin air and then I'll burn out after a week. 

Until I didn't. After two weeks, I was still going strong.

Chapter after chapter flew by.

Week three rolled around and then the expected happened. I had another shutdown. My anxiety was so bad, I visibly shook for three days. To be honest, Thanksgiving time is really hard for me and has been for many years, so I kind of expected this to happen, but that's a whole blog post in itself and not one I want to delve into right now.

I took the Monday before Thanksgiving off, but forced myself to write on Tuesday and the rest of the days that week. To my surprise, writing was the one thing I could do. For some reason, my anxiety and depression took a backseat while I typed away at my story. I felt a sort of peace when banging away at my keyboard.

I didn't reach my goal word count of 3k each day, but I was still able to write, which was more than I expected.

And then the final week came. I was left exhausted from the previous week's attack and Thanksgiving, but I needed to get in 10k more words to reach 50k. That meant 2k a day for the remaining five days. I ended up writing 2k on Monday, then 4k on Tuesday and Friday. That way I could fully enjoy my trip to Biltmore without a word count looming over my head. And at the end of Friday, I wrote those beautiful words:

I had finished. I won NaNo for the fifth time and completed my ninth novel. I'm still in awe that it happened.

~Post NaNo Thoughts~

Keturah asked my fellow Pen Dragons and I what word we would use to describe our NaNo experience. I chose Humbling as my word because I can't really think of anything else that would describe it.

This was probably the best and hardest NaNo I've ever done. Last year's experience was almost as hard, but I didn't have the same connection with the story as I did this time. I loved it, but it wasn't my story like Simon Says was.

As I neared the end of the story this year, I really felt the story click. Like, this was what I needed to write. This was a healing story for me. I was opening up with everything inside of me and letting it out. Each character represented a different part of me that I wanted people to see. While I don't think I captured everything exactly right (that's what revisions are for) I felt better because the story was on paper. I know there's potential there to change my life and the lives of others.

The fact that I didn't seem to have a struggle writing this story just shows me that God wanted me to write this one. I prayed before sitting down each day to write. I know that's why I was able to keep going. There's no other answer. I knew that this story was what I needed to write.

I am blown away and humbled that I got to experience this NaNo in the way that I did. It was one of the most incredible things I've ever done and I'm so thankful I had the opportunity to write this story. I feel like I've rediscovered what kind of writer want to be. I want to be a writer who creates stories drenched in hope and healing for both myself and for my readers.

So, starting this new year, I hope to cover more of those sorts of topics with my blogging. They may vary in what they're about. Not all of my posts will fall under this category, but I truly believe this is the reason I write and I feel like I should focus more on it.

So onto y'all. What word would you use to describe your writing? What message do you hope to convey with your stories?