Cultivating a Life You Love// Part One: Saying No

In my Q&A last week, I mentioned that I had a blog series I was contemplating writing on creating a life you love. I asked if y'all would be interested in it, and you responded with a resounding yes. So here you go! Here is the first installment in what I think is going to be a four-part series. It might be more if I think of other things to touch on.

Saying no. It's something we don't like to do. Growing up, our parents likely frowned upon it. If you're like me, you probably never said no to someone who demanded your attention, time, or energy. It would be rude, wouldn't it?

As we grow older, that demand only gets to be more pressing until we find ourselves drowning in what everyone else wants us to do, with little to no time for what we enjoy. But at no point do we ever ask whether the other people realize just how rude it is of them to assume that our time is theirs. We just keep telling ourselves that it would be rude to say no to them.

One of the biggest steps I took to making a life I loved was saying no to things I didn't want to do. The reality is there are only 24 hours in a day and you'll never live a life you love if those are all taken up doing things you don't love. There has to be a balance. By saying no to some things, you're making room to do the things you love.

Yes, there are going to be things you don't like doing, but they don't have to be what you spend all your time doing. They really don't. All those times grown-ups told you that you should have fun while you're young because you won't have time for it when you're older are just lies. You can enjoy your life as an adult too. Actually, I argue that you can enjoy it more as an adult because you now have the power to decide what to do with your time and resources.

It's also important for you to understand that saying no isn't always definite. I think that's what scares a lot of people when they consider this concept. They don't want to eat their words when they wind up doing the thing in the future. I mean, how embarrassing is that? That you actually can change and grow as you get older. What a concept!

There's actually a few different kinds of no's.Not all of them mean saying no forever. It's important to know which category each activity falls into.

~The Hard Pass~

These are the ones where it's a definite no. You don't want to do these things at all. They don't bring you joy. You doing those activities likely doesn't bring anyone else joy. There's no value or reason for you to do them. So why in the world would you waste your time doing them? Let them pass to the side and don't spend any brainpower worrying about them.

For me, some of the things I've given a hard no to are 

• Performing violin for weddings. My dad always wanted my brother and I to play for weddings, but it's a hard no for me. I like the violin, but only for me. I have zero interest in performing and spending all my weekends playing the same twenty songs over and over and over until kingdom come. Thanks, but no thanks. Also, bridezillas and I would likely not get along at all. 
• Skiing. I did it. I didn't absolutely hate it. But I don't love it either. The quality of my life does not require me to continue doing it. So no thanks. I'll cozy up in the lodge reading or eating while y'all wipe out. I'll do my best to have the first aid kit ready when you need it. 
• People encroaching on my time. Unless you're a really important person to me (and even then it can be a little iffy), you're going to want to schedule your thing at least a week in advance. My time fills up quickly with lots of things I enjoy and I probably won't put them aside easily. So if someone asks me if I'd be willing to help move the day before they need help, I'm probably going to say no. Not because I don't want to help, but because I've made plans and that wasn't a part of it. I have a very colorful time-blocked schedule to prove it. Next time make sure you're one of those blocks and we can work something out. 
• Silly games. You know the ones. The "bonding" ones that are designed to make you look like a fool. Sorry, but I don't have a lot of time on this earth and I want to make as much of an impact as I can. Any amount of socializing with people had better be meaningful. I can think of only one instance where ridiculous games filled that requirement. Other than that, it's a no from me. 

~The For-Now No's~

These are ones that you're not saying no to forever, but you're just not interested in them right now. There may come a time where it's a yes, but for now, you'll let them pass by. 

Some of these for me are:

• Running a marathon. I put this here because there was a time where I said I wasn't going to run. LOL. Then I said I was never going to run a half-marathon. LOLOLOL! So I know there might come a time where I say yes to this. Right now is not that time. So I'm sticking to no until I want to say yes. 
• Indie publishing. I'm definitely not going to say absolutely no to this. I'll likely self-publish in the future. Just not right now. So I'm going to let it go until that time comes. 

~The For-the-Most-Part No's~

These are the ones that you don't mind doing every once in a while because they bring joy to other people, but you just don't want to dedicate a significant amount of time to them. 

For me, these include:

• Horseback riding. I don't really enjoy it so much anymore, but I know Jules loves it, so I do it every once in a while because I care about her. I want her to do things that make her happy, and that includes me doing along with her sometimes. But I don't have to own my own horse or spend every weekend riding to do so. 
• Going to sporting events. I honestly couldn't care less about sports except for running. But my dad enjoys them, so I force myself to go to a couple every year to make him happy. And, I'll admit, I enjoy the level of people-watching I experience there. But, at the same time, I'm not going to go every weekend and tailgate and scream my head off. Just, no. 

~Tips for Saying No~

• Analyze how you're spending your time. Are there activities that you don't enjoy and don't actually have to do? Take those things and figure out where they lie on the "no" scale and remove them accordingly. Maybe some of them you can get rid of entirely and never have to think about again (what a relief!). Some you may put aside for now, not worrying about them until they actually matter to you. And even others you may only do occasionally because they matter to someone you care about. 
• Understand that you're the boss now. When we were kids, we couldn't really say no to our parents/authority figures. But when we reach our teens/adulthood, we slowly become our own bosses. We get to choose how to spend our time. We no longer have someone else planning our time for us. At least, we shouldn't. It's important to remember that, if you don't take charge of your time, someone else will. And they probably won't be respectful of your interests when they do.
• Understand that people are going to be annoyed with you at first. They're not going to like that you're suddenly taking responsibility for your time. When this happens, it's best that you keep the old saying in mind: "the people who mind don't matter and the people who matter don't mind." Honestly, if they care about you, they might be annoyed or confused at first, but they'll see that you're happier and more fulfilled by saying no and they'll just go about their merry way.
• Know why you're saying no. When people do inevitably get annoyed with you, they're more likely to be receptive of your response when you provide reasons. Seriously, just explain why you aren't going to do something. Most people are totally cool with that and will likely even be excited for you in the long run. Those who aren't probably don't matter. Added bonus: you won't sound rude when you say no if you provide a nice list of reasons. You'll actually sound like the intellectual that you are! And you'll be more likely at peace with it because you know why you're saying no. You won't feel burdened or pressured to do those things anymore. A win-win all around!
• Understand that time is limited. Don't waste it. Be very intentional with your time. If something is not bringing out the best in you, why are you doing it? Does your poor attitude during a certain activity actually help the people around you? Really? Wouldn't it be better if you said no and filled that time with something that brings a smile to your face and positivity to the world around you?
• Understand that your decisions change over time. That's why I called this series "curating a life you love" instead of "establishing a life you love". It's the idea that you will change and grow over time, kind of like you might change your decorating style over time. You won't always say no to things, you won't always say yes to things. You should be in constant analysis of your life and decide what is the best use of your time in the moment. Swallow your pride and be willing to change. It's totally cool. I admire people who stay on top of their interests and change accordingly. 

~Exceptions~

As with everything, there are exceptions. In this case, there are things you have to do to keep life going, but you maybe don't love them. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, yard work. All those good things that make the world a better place, even if they aren't always the thing you enjoy. 

But even here, you can say no to some things. Is there a particular aspect in these activities that you don't enjoy and don't have to do? Change it or eliminate it so it doesn't bother you. 

Don't enjoy spending hours in the kitchen cooking? Find quick recipes so you can be in and out in 30 minutes or less. 

Don't like cleaning? Crank up the music, dance and sing along, and watch as that boring activity becomes fun. Maybe make it a competition with your family members. Wear gloves or use those new innovative products that make it easier/less hands-on if it grosses you out. 

For yard work, my brother and I don't like it be boring (much to our dad's chagrin). We like to put our weight training to work by seeing if we can lift the heavier logs by ourselves. We see how fast we can run with them. We joke around and do our best to have fun.

Even in the things we have to do, we can still say no to a certain extent. We can say no to the boring and mundane. We can choose to make it fun and exciting.

I hope this was a helpful post. Now go forth and free up some time!

Now onto y'all! What are some things you've decided to say no to and why? What categories have you noticed when you've said no in the past? What are some of the benefits you've noticed by saying no (more time, happier attitude, etc.)?