Embracing Your Passions

[A little editorial note: this post is a bit more raw. I didn't go back and edit it much because I knew it might make me cry and I might lose my nerve and not post it. So forgive me if it's a bit all over the place, but I felt like it was a somewhat important topic to discuss.]

Over the past few months, I've started embracing things I love. Things that I'm passionate about.

One of the things my therapist has encouraged me to do is incorporate things that bring me joy throughout the day and/or week.

This practice has reignited a passion for several things that I had forgotten about.

One of the things she encouraged me to pick up again is playing the violin. After I graduated high school, I kind of allowed myself to not play as much. I had gone from being in the youth symphony, being a major part of my music school, and practicing every day for the past five years (yes, every single day) to basically not touching my violin for months at a time. And, while I loved every minute of my violin career and I don't regret much of it (except for maybe solo recitals because #blah), I needed some space. After years of practicing pieces for the sake of performing them in front of an audience, I was tired. I was exhausted of having my art on display for people to make opinions about. I was weary of being critiqued. I wanted to be able to practice and not have to worry about whether I was going to meet everyone else's expectations when the performance day arrived. 

But in my break, I'd forgotten how much I love playing the violin. The feeling of the strings under my fingertips. The fluid motion of my arm as I draw the bow across the strings. How powerful Vivaldi sounds. 

Now I have the freedom to play whatever I want and I can say "no, I don't want to play for anyone else". Not even my family. It's just for me. 

Another passion of mine is quilting. My reason for distancing from this hobby is different than with the violin.

For quilting, I had to grieve. 

You see, quilting was something I did with my mom. That's what made it special. She was an avid quilter for my entire childhood. She taught me nearly everything I know. We went to quilt shows and classes together. We'd rent a room at the local community center for a day so we could have loads of space to work on our projects. It was something we shared a passion for. And, for me, quilting was closely tied with a love for my mom.

Then, 5 1/2 years ago, my mom was diagnosed with Parkinson's. For a little while, she tried to continue quilting, but her ability to maneuver the fabric through the machine and to cut the pieces safely diminished and she had to stop. 

Now I was alone in the sewing room. If I went to any classes or shows, it was by myself. While I could still run fabric choices by her, it wasn't the same. 

So I stopped quilting as much. It hurt so bad to even pick up fabric and look at it, knowing I'd never again get to spend hours working on projects with my mom. It didn't help that my mom had dozens of unfinished projects that I'd have to complete. Working on those was like getting having a scab ripped off over and over again. 

For a while, I didn't know if I was ever going to get back to quilting. I thought it was something I'd have to let go. But finally, I realized that I needed to grieve. The concept of grieving something that wasn't dead was so foreign to me. But that was exactly what I needed to do. I needed to grieve those moments with my mom and the fact that they are probably never going to happen again.

Then, slowly but surely, I was able to pick up fabric again without pain. I found a new rhythm of my own. It's not the same. I still get sad sometimes when I think of all the memories I have with my mom. But I know it's a gift from her that I'll have with me my whole life. 

Now, I'm able to carve out a little time each week for playing the violin and quilting. Maybe not a ton of time, but enough to bring their joy into my life.

I now look forward to playing my violin when the time comes. It's such a treat to be able to pick it up and play. 

I'm enjoying making new art with fabric. I'm finding pleasure it the craft again and I love it.

So I guess what I'm saying here is make sure to make time for what you love. For the simple pleasures that bring a smile to your face. 

Because it matters. It makes the day just a little brighter and after a while, you might realize that life is good. 

Because it is, dear friend. It's not only worth living, it's worth living well. 

Well, there you have it. I hope this encouraged y'all just a little bit. What's a hobby that you enjoy? How does it bring light into your life? Are there any that you had to grieve a little?